DEAR FUTURE HUSBAND

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Dear future husband,

You gotta be kidding me. What’s taking you so long? Are you stuck in traffic somewhere? You have tarried far too long and my eager heart is growing weary. It is sulking and as I pen this it’s sucking it’s thumb in a corner. Just a minute ago it posted a grievous photo on Instagram with a huge MOOD caption and three teary emoticons to spice it up. Show up sooner darling. For me and my sad cute big heart… unless you want me to do the go-getter thing and come for you. You don’t want me to come for you. I am a multi-billion dollar shock-wave I might rock your world to a standstill. You are lucky if you are in another planet or continent (hopefully Europe) in which case God add me 1000 go-downs of patience. I miss you. Damn it I miss us already. If you get to read this you are alive and you have internet. So there’s hope. I’m alive too. I’ve been this way for the past twenty freaking years without you. Do you have an ounce of clue how painful that is? Okay not so painful, let’s say difficult. Most of those years were spent growing up, I’m not done yet seeing that I’m writing his mundane letter to you. But I have turned out A-Okay, at least as far my country’s constitutional laws and my dad’s curfews are concerned. No viral scandal yet .No nude photos because I’m also scared of my naked self (that should sound metaphorical honey).No jail term too as I’m waiting for you to come imprison me. Or if you are macho and that’s too soft for you maybe take me hostage? But before then…

I feel like I should bring you up to speed about a few things about me. You know, just so we are at par when this Cupid finally finds our arrow. It must be lost in there somewhere in the ‘premium version’, alongside Romeo and Juliet’s and my Bukusu darling and his darling…oh wait, that did not last. Let’s just stick to Romeo and Juliet. (P.S I hope your real name is not Romeo because mine is Mary and Romeo and Mary would sound like a haywire duet that sings about popcorn and feet). Anyway, society has said there’s no such thing as Mr. Right. That my misinformed quest of finding a Mr. Right can only go as far as dragging any man on my left to my right but I refuse to laugh to that joke. I say to hell with society. They don’t know about you. You may not be perfect (I have a feeling you’re a snorer) but you’ll be cut just right for me. Perfect imperfections. If I believed in voodoo I’d slaughter a white cockerel and summon your spirit to me while dancing to Whitney Houston’s “I wanna dance with somebody” around a fire. But God knows I am too progressive, there are better things I can do with chicken and fire and a Whitney jam.

Instead I will wait for you. I will listen intently to every tick-tock of the clock and appreciate the fact that each minute gone paves way to a life with you in it. A life that will be full of more than love, because ours will be phenomenal. Fairytale would be an understatement. In fact, four letters will not be enough to describe what we’ll have. We will reinvent the wheel of love, whatever that means. See, I got dreams for us. All you have to do is quit lingering, probably feeding on some woman’s food and lies (there had to be a villain in this story) and just make this reality already .Here’s how:

You shall know me by my voice

It will stir your heart to an everlasting “awake” state. Well, that can also be taken in the literal sense hearing as my voice flawlessly depicts the female version of baritone and that other one. Rough edges. Sandpaper texture. But trust you me it will make all your active and inactive senses defy whatever force of gravity they adhere to; because you will fall for it.

You shall know me by my silence

On top of my many other abilities is this powerful gift of rich-in-content silence. Silence so refined it will fly your heart first-class to the land of happily-ever-after. You will hear it every time I’ll pause before I say I love you. Even that day when you will go down on one knee (or both, because remember that ‘reinventing wheel’ part up there?) I will give it you…the silence.

Before I burst into a crazy Buganda song, bust some serious moves and then burst into tears. Preferably not in that order but take it from me husband, my yes will be louder than my silence.

You shall know me by my feet

I will walk into your life and turn it to the best journey ever. Forget the Mara, I will bring the wildlife to you; what with all the babies I will bear for you(in the odds of odds this statement should come out as romantic).Bottom-line is you will never want to leave. If you do, you will be following me. Ha!

You shall know me by my actions

Actions speak louder than words. Therefore I will spare you the nitty-gritties of this. The only action I might never do for you is let you go. Or tie your tie. Youtube has tutorials on that so better start learning:)

P.S This is not all for nothing dear husband. Follow this blog to see my check list coming soon to determine whether you get to cruise to the finals (in the spirit of Euro games) or just give up and move on.Get a life.Or another wife.My rhyme’s pretty tight,right hubs?

P.P.S:I won’t call you hubs if you follow my blog.Pinky-finger promise

 

Yours in-waiting,

Future wife

 

 

 

 

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20 Comments

  1. If I believed in voodoo I’d slaughter a white cockerel and summon your spirit to me while dancing to Whitney Houston’s “I wanna dance with somebody” around a fire. But God knows I am too progressive, there are better things I can do with chicken and fire and a Whitney jam.

    hehe yeah i dedicate this article to my ‘dear future husband’

    Like

  2. Hahaha! I thought my future husband is Marlaw,for centuries stuck up in traffic until he hoots with his very own mouth.but it looks like am nt the only one,so he’s not Marlaw;he’s a dude stuck up in traffic like all the others who ain’t home yet!I suggest they leave their cars n walk hm,we will send someone to pick them up!!

    Like

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