My window opens up to the dimly lit rooms across the street and the midnight sky adorned with a clarity of darkness.
At this time and moment, I am alive.
It’s quite something, isn’t it, that we get to breathe in and out and rush through the moments, or is it the moments that rush through us?
I have not always been an explorer, searching for meaning, and I wouldn’t stay I have found it. Because I don’t know what meaning looks like. I don’t know what cologne it wears or the team it was supporting in the just concluded World Cup.
But I have found meaning in split seconds, in a brush of the hand with a stranger, in an endless extended laugh over the phone with a loved one. I have found meaning in just being, more than in the process of trying to ‘become’. I have found it in poetry and the aftermath of love gone sour…or just…gone.
It’s almost tragic, isn’t it, that others, society, parents, expectations…should define the meaning of life. What are the chances that not all of us were meant to have titles. That fame is for a few and riches for less. What is wrong with being average? Why is it that success is measured by achievements according to societal standards rather than a personal sense of accomplishment? Who cares about the content levels in the heart of a mtu wa mjengo after a long day of building? What does ballast mean to you?
I was in a cruise where no one knew me except myself. I didn’t make sense to these people. They didn’t know where I was coming from nor where I was going. There were only passengers on a cruise, just like I was a passenger on a cruise. We had different stories. We were going in the same direction, however.
We are covering ground on water. My head is throbbing with a terrible headache- migraine of sorts. I badly want to lie down. I want to do so just for a minute or five. There are rows of empty seats all around me. But I don’t. I am afraid that these bunch of strangers would think “ What an odd thing for this girl to do”
I met a man in the morning, on a free highway. Later that evening, we honked through the city and I screamed through the window. The speakers blasted incoherence. His cigarette smoke filled the air and I took it in. My head was still throbbing. But I was free. I was FREE!
Burger King. Whoppers and Steakhouse. Fries and Fanta. Strangers with hearts and life flowing through their veins. None spoke the other’s language, but there was a connection not defined by time of ‘knowing each other’ or norm. We parted ways, and I’ll not see the man I met on a free highway again. I know it because I am not here for a long time, nor a good time-I’m here for THIS time!
Tell me then, if that is not the art of being human.
Tell me then, that I was not swimming in the ‘meaning’…for as long as our rendezvous lasted.
My experience is that you may find meaning in the things you do every day, but sometimes, for some people, they find it outside. I don’t have a circle. I do not have a rectangle either, or any other shape really. I choose to be free in mind and spirit to my whims. Even the sense of being lost is a sense of being.